Six Reasons Facebook’s U.S. Growth Is Slowing

Here’s why I think Facebook’s growth has slowed.

1. It’s utterly hideous.
Look at Facebook. Now back to Twitter. Now back at Facebook. Now back to Twitter. Sadly, Facebook isn’t Twitter. It’s ugly. It’s a visual abomination. It’s the member of the opposite sex that you leave the bar with because there was no else left at the end of the night. The next day? You are sorry.

2. It’s too big.
More accurately, it feels too big. Being on Facebook is like being on the Titanic. You’re having a great time, until you get this sinking feeling that turns out to be real, and then it’s every man, woman, and child overboard, and you’re all going to die. Unless they Like you.

3. It’s not cool.
“The Social Network” didn’t do Facebook any favors. Hollywood is America’s church, and actors are our gods. Sorkin’s takedown painted Mark Zuckerberg as a petty turd crushing on Justin Timberlake. Not. Cool.

4. It’s, like, totally over.
Remember when Myspace was awesome? Remember when LiveJournal was the new new thing? Remember CompuServe? Sometimes Americans decide they don’t like something for no reason. Or because everyone else likes it. Or because we want something new. X is the new Facebook, and we want it now.

5. It’s too uptight.
Facebook has its own anti-porn police force. Lame. Tumblr is an uncensored orgy, and Americans prefer orgies to prudes when it comes to their online sexual proclivities.

6. It’s too overrun by brands.
Marketing freaks, social media morons, and every company on the planet turned the neighborhood into a mall. It’s like when everyone started getting tattoos. And piercing their tongues. And blogging.